Nothing would please me more!
Husband: “Soon we will be married for 10 years. I will get you a nice new car for our anniversary.”
Wife: “Oh darling. Nothing would please me more!”
And so the husband got her nothing for the anniversary.
A tightwad was looking for a gift to give a friend.
Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken and he could purchase it for almost nothing.
He asked the store to send it hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.
In due time he received a note: “Thanks for the vase,” it read. “It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately.”
At a friends’ wedding reception,
the groom stood to say a few words.
He turned to his bride’s mother. “You’ve given me a gift,” he began, “a gift that…”
Here he paused in thought, whereupon his mother-in-law completed the sentence,
“That you can’t return!”
John noticed that Peter was looking depressed, and asked what was wrong.
“Well,” said Peter, “I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask.
Now I’m in deep trouble at home.”
“What kind of question?” asked John.
“My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly.”
“That’s easy,” said John. “You just say ‘Of course I will’.”
“Yeah,” said Peter, “That’s what I did, except I said ‘Of course I DO…”
