A fisherman carrying a lobster bumped into a friend on the way home.
“Where are you going with the lobster under your arm?” asked his friend.
The fisherman answered, “I’m taking him home to dinner.”
Just then the lobster spoke up, “I’ve already had my dinner, can we go to a movie instead?”
Two drunks are walking along.
One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. “You’re wrong, that’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”
They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining.
Is it the moon or the sun?”
The third drunk looked at the sky and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”
Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves.
They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother. ‘Well,’ said the first one, ‘I bought mom a huge house in Beverly Hills.’
‘I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her.’
‘I’ve beaten you both,’ said the third. ‘I bought her a miraculous parrot that can talk to her.’
A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons.
‘Gerald, the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, and I have to clean the entire house. Milton, the car is useless because I don’t go anywhere; I’m too old. But Robert, you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious.’
A young man introduces his fiancee to his parents.
While they were having dinner the girl gently farts. Annoyed by the funny smell the father in law yells:
– Rocky!!
The girl is relieved that the future in-law blamed the dog from under her chair but after a few minutes she lets one more rip.
The boy’s father is getting nervous:
– Rocky!! be careful now!!
Worried no more the girl fires another one.
Feeling exasperated, the boy’s father yells:
– Rocky! Get out of there fast! She’s gonna sh*t on you!
