Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.
As they reached the stage, the bride placed something in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given by the bride to her father.
The father could feel suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, today is the luckiest day of my life!’
Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, ‘My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me.’
The whole audience started laughing….
But not the poor groom.
A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.
As he’s standing there alone, he lights a cigarette. After a while he notices a cute little vase on the mantle. He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in.
He says, “What’s this?”
She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”
He turns beet red in horror and goes, “Oh God no…. Oh!!! I just…..”
She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”
My daughter hates school.
One weekend, she cried and fretted and tried every excuse not to go back on Monday.
Sunday morning on the way home from brunch, the crying and whining built to a crescendo.
At the end of my rope, I finally stopped the car and explained, “Honey, it’s a law. If you don’t go to school, they’ll put daddy in jail.”
She looked at me, thought for a moment, then asked, “How long would you have to stay?”
