An old accountant is on his deathbed.
Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: “Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?”
And Sarah says, “Yes, I am here.”
He then says: “Are my children — my wonderful children — are they here with me?”
And they reply, “Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last.”
And he says: “Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?”
And they too tell him that they are here.
So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says,
“So if everybody is here… why is the light on in the kitchen?!?”
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic’s eyelids begin to flutter, her voice warbles, her hands float up above the table, and she begins to moan.
Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, “Granddaughter? Are you there?”
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, “Grandmother? Is that you?”
“Yes, granddaughter, it’s me!”
“It’s really, really you, grandmother?” the woman repeats.
“Yes, it’s really me, granddaughter!”
The woman looks puzzled, “You’re sure it’s you, grandmother?”
“Yes, granddaughter, I’m sure it’s me!”
The woman pauses for a moment, “Grandmother, I have just one question for you!”
“Anything, my child!”
“Grandmother, you’re Italian! When did you learn to speak English?”
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”
The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”
Motivational speech
After hearing a speech on how to motivate employees, the business owner posted signs that read “Do It Now” in every department. It was impossible for the employees not to see them all through the day.
A friend dropped by a week later. Seeing the signs, he asked if the scheme really worked.
“Well,” said the business owner, “not exactly the way I thought it would. My accountant ran off with $250,000 and the rest of the employees asked for raises.”
