A guy from New Jersey went hunting one day in New York and bagged three ducks.
He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like people from New Jersey.
The game warden ordered the guy to show his hunting license, and the guy from Jersey pulled out a valid New York hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from New York, This is a Pennselvanya duck. You got a Pennselvanya huntin’ license, boy?”
The guy from New Jersey reached into his wallet and produced a Pennselvania hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said “This ain’t no Pennselvaina duck, This duck’s from Rhode Island. You got a Rhode Island license?” The guy from New Jersey reached into his wallet and produced a Rhode Island hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Rhode Island duck. This here duck’s from Massachuess. You got a Massachuess huntin’ license?” Again the guy from New Jersey reached into his wallet and brought out a Massachuess hunting license
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the newfie “Just where the hell are you from?”
The guy from New Jersey turned around, bent over, dropped his pants and said, “You tell me, you’re the expert.”
On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store.
“Give me a couple of steaks,” he says.
“We’re out of steaks but we have hot dogs and chicken,” says the butcher.
“Hotdogs and chicken?!” yells the hunter. “How can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hotdogs and chickens?”
A customer at Green’s Gourmet Grocery marvels at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence.
“Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?”
“I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear. “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.”
“You sell them here?” the customer asks.
“Only $4 each,” says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter.
“You didn’t eat enough,” says Green.
The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s really angry.
“Hey, Green,” he says, “You’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You’re ripping me off!”
“You see?” says Green. “You’re smarter already.”
Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice,
“Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death. I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens.”
Sam continued, “I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head.”
There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, “Who is Mary?”
