A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house, and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside, he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap, and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her, bewildered, and asked, ‘What happened here today?’
She again smiled and answered, “You know, every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”
Three husbands were sitting at a bar
Three husbands were sitting at a bar, each nursing a drink and lamenting the mysteries of married life.
Husband 1 sighs and says, “My wife is a genius. She remembers everything I ever said… especially the things I forgot to do.”
Husband 2 nods. “Mine too. Last week, she said I didn’t listen to her. Or maybe that’s what she said. I wasn’t really paying attention.”
Husband 3 chuckles. “Gentlemen, you have it easy. My wife is so persuasive, she once convinced me that I was wrong about something I hadn’t even said yet.”
They all laugh and raise their glasses, when an old man at the end of the bar, with a long white beard and a twinkle in his eye, leans over and says, “You lads still have much to learn. I’ve been married 50 years. You want to know the secret?”
They nod eagerly.
The old man continues, “Every fight I ever had with my wife, I lost. Every one. But… I figured out how to win.”
The three men lean in closer.
“I simply learned two magical words,” he says, holding up two fingers. “‘Yes, dear.’ That’s it. That phrase has saved me from sleeping on the couch more times than I can count.”
Husband 1 asks, “But doesn’t that mean you just give up?”
The old man laughs. “No, no. You don’t give up. You just surrender… strategically. Like a ninja.”
He goes on:
“Let me tell you what happened last week. My wife asked, ‘Do you think I’m overreacting?’”
He pauses and looks at them seriously.
“Now, I may be old, but I’m not stupid. That question is a trap wrapped in a riddle inside a landmine.”
“So I smiled, nodded, and said, ‘Yes, dear.’”
Husband 2 frowns. “And that worked?”
“Well,” the old man says, “not exactly. I’m still recovering from the saucepan incident… but I consider it a partial victory. At least I now know what not to say. Again.”
The three husbands laugh, and the old man raises his glass.
“To wives! The only people who can multitask, win arguments in their sleep, and somehow always be right… even when they aren’t.”
The others clink their glasses.
And for once, they all agreed… quietly, and well within earshot of no one important.
