A man is walking home through a park one night after a fancy dress party.
While he is walking home he feels the need to s**t so he crouches down on the grass and does his business.
Just as he is finishing he sees a policeman walking towards him.
He covers the s**t with his hat. When the policeman arrives he asks the man, “What have you go under there?”
The man replies, “I just caught the fastest thing in the world.”
The policeman says, “Let me have a look.”
The man replies, “As I said, it’s the fastest thing in the world. If I take the hat off it it will get away.”
The policeman tells the man, “Take the top hat off and as soon as you do I will catch it.”
The man replies, “OK if you insist.”
When the man lifts the top hat the policeman tries to grab it and gets a handful of s**t.
“What’s this?” he screams at the man. “I told you it was the fastest thing in the world.” the man replies, “But you sure scared the s**t out of it.”
This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man.
I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.
He said, “Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
“I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, “What happened? Drugs? A-l.cohol? Divorce?”
“Oh no, nothing like that,” he said. “I was released from prison.”
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie’s house, and grandpa Morris gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park… and couldn’t find his way home.
“Oy Morris,” said grandma,” You’ve been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could you get lost ?”
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn’t hear. Morris whispered, “I wasn’t lost…..I was just too tired to walk home.”
