A man suffers from terrible constipation, and decides to go to his doctor.

After the man describes his sorrowful condition, the doctor decides to prescribe him a laxative. He grabs a paper and a pencil and starts doing some calculations.

He asks the man, “How are you gonna go home?”, to which the man replies “I’ll walk.”

The doctor then tell him there’s a public toilet just 10 minutes away. He takes into account the man’s speed of walking, how near the toilet is, whether it may be occupied and so on.

After carefully calculating something for a solid 15 minutes, he measures a precise amount of the laxative and asks the man to consume it in the clinic itself, and tells him to immediately leave for his home, and report back on the status of success later on.

30 minutes later, the man comes back to the doctor’s office with a very uncomfortable expression on his face, and walking weirdly.

He says “Doc, the laxative worked quite well, but… do you have 50 cents?”

Ralph came home drunk one night,

slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber…

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said, “You died in your sleep Ralph.”

Ralph was stunned. “I’m dead? No I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a lesser being. An animal.”

Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. “So you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”

“Not bad,” replied Ralph the Hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside, like I’m going to explode.”

“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before!”

“Never.” said Ralph.

“Well just relax and let it happen,” says the rooster, “It’s no big deal.”

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell…

“RALPH wake up! You cr*pped the bed!”