A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.
As he’s standing there alone, he lights a cigarette. After a while he notices a cute little vase on the mantle. He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in.
He says, “What’s this?”
She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”
He turns beet red in horror and goes, “Oh God no…. Oh!!! I just…..”
She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”
A tightwad was looking for a gift to give a friend.
Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken and he could purchase it for almost nothing.
He asked the store to send it hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.
In due time he received a note: “Thanks for the vase,” it read. “It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately.”
A friend asked a gentleman why he never married?
Replied the gentleman, “Well, I guess I just never met the right woman… I guess I’ve been looking for the perfect girl.”
“Oh, come on now,” said the friend, “Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry.”
“Yes, there was a girl… once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything… I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me.”
“Well, why didn’t you marry her,” asked the friend.
“Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect man.”
An aspiring young actor
asked a young lady’s father if he could have his daughter’s hand in marriage. The father said, “I would never let my daughter marry an actor.”
The actor said, “Sir, I think you may change your mind if you see me perform. Won’t you at least come and see the play?”
So the father went to see the play, and the next day he called the actor, “You were right. I did change my mind. Go ahead and marry my daughter. You’re no actor.”
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.
As they reached the stage, the bride placed something in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given by the bride to her father.
The father could feel suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, today is the luckiest day of my life!’
Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, ‘My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me.’
The whole audience started laughing….
But not the poor groom.
