I called the doctor
“My wife is going into labour! What should I do?”
“Is this her first child?” he asked.
“No, this is her husband.”
Rita is complaining to her friends about her husband’s extreme dedication to his new job.
You see, Rita’s husband has been jobless for quite a while.
She tells her friends, “I appreciate the fact that at last he’s found a new job, but I don’t like him taking his work home and finishing it in our bedroom.”
“Why, what’s his new job?”
“He’s an embalmer.”
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
“Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
Three women sit in a beauty parlor talking about their husbands.
The first woman says, “Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn’t there!”
“I know!” the next woman says, “Last night my husband said he was going to his brother’s house, but when I called he wasn’t there.”
The third woman says, “I always know where my husband is.”
“Impossible!” both women exclaim, “He has you completely fooled!”
“Oh no,” says the woman. “I’m a widow.”