An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing.
Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs. When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, and goes back to her knitting.
Her husband, puzzled, asks, “What was that for?”
She replied, “That was for 50 years of bad s**.”
He goes back to his newspaper, but a few minutes later, he looks at his wife and whacks her across the head.
The wife, also puzzled asks him, “What was that for?”
Not looking up from his newspaper, the husband answers,
“That is for knowing the difference.”
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to p e e. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”
“Ah, that’s nothin’,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you can’t even c r a p anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”
“Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble p e e ing too?” asked the 60-year-old.
“No, not really. I p e e every morning at 6:00. I p e e like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”
“Do you have trouble c r a p p ing?”
“No, I c r a p every morning at 6:30.”
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, “Let me get this straight. You p e e every morning at 6:00 and c r a p every morning at 6:30. So what’s so tough about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”
Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club.
“We’re supposed to wear something that matches our husband’s hair, so I’m wearing black,” said Mrs. Smith.
“Oh my,” said Mrs. Jones, “I’d better not go.”
